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21 November, 2005

Exit strategery

There's a lot of talk in the news about John Murtha's call for a US withdrawl from Iraq. It seems some heretofore yes men are finally getting pissed over George Bush's inability to devise an exit strategy (a skill he clearly lacks in this photo).
The reason a lot of folks give for wanting to leave is that Iraq is like "another Vietnam". In fact, there exists an entire debate over whether or not the comparison fits.
I don't think Iraq is another Vietnam. It is much more like another Israel, with the green zone playing the role of Sharon's "security fence". In both cases the people are living with an occupation army and with that a widespread sense of humiliation and rage persisits. Palestinians want the Israelis to return disputed land to them along with their autonomy, and the Iraqis want to rule their own affairs without the hand of the US. Among each occupied people there exists a rule of law crowd and a radical crowd that uses terrorism as a weapon. And in both cases there's an elusive foreign element meddling in the affairs of the people who actually have to live in the environment of violence and fear the outsiders prefer.
I'm not well-versed enough to argue the issues surrounding the Israeli occupation but it doesn't strike me that the eye-for-an-eye strategy of retalliation they've tried for so long has worked. Terrorists blow up a crowded bus and the Israeli army kills some terrorists and civilians. Nothing ever gets accomplished and a lot of innocent Israelis and Palestinians are killed. In Iraq, terrorists kill civilians and soldiers and we turn around and kill terrorists and civilians. Same shit, different location.
The Israelis look like they've had enough killing and are now trying a new approach-Palestinian statehood. It may not work, but for me it sure beats the same old violence begetting violence. The US doesn't seem to understand this and instead would like to pick up where the Israelis left off. Which strikes me as just plain hardheaded. No sensible person would call what Sharon is doing "retreat"-some might say brave-and neither would/should they use the term for a possible US withdrawl from Iraq. There's nothing weak in a proposal to end the needless suffering and death of US troops and Iraqi civilians. The people who ache for more of this bullshit are some grade "A" sadists who should be immediately deployed to the front lines.

Posted by JP |

20 November, 2005


When I'm unable to control my emotions I will take a few minutes to point out how ridiculously macho and blockheaded the pre-game teams are for both major networks covering football on Sunday. Although it's the same heap of overblown windbaggery each week, I can't help but marvel at the collection of man-children with their bad suits, corny jokes and false patriotism among other annoying trademarks. Is this the best they can put out there?
I'm often far less incredulous about the voices calling the actual game, but this has likely been dueto my previous ability to tune into WBBM radio to listen to Bears broadcasters and tune out the national dipsticks. Living now in Madison, Wisconsin, this is not always an option with AM signal strength varying.
So today I found myself happy to be watching the Bears instead of the Packers or Vikings (the usual Madison offerings) but bummed out enduring the national play-by-play. The broadcasting team assigned to the game was not as offensive as the Terry, Howie, JB moron hour, but they were right down there in the bottom of the stupid bucket, beneath the likes of Tony Danza and Freddie Prinz, Jr.
The greatest blunder I witnessed was the explanation of the strength of the Bears offensive line by one of the generic no-necks in the booth. The slow-motion replay focussed on Kyle Orton getting ready to pass and the announcer-to prove his point about Orton having all day to throw-counted off the seconds for everyone at home.
"One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand..."
Wow, that is a lot of time! Except that while this anus was counting in real time he was watching something occur in slow motion. Did he not think to adopt a baritone voice and count ever so slowly as the action unfolded frame-by-frame? Sad.

Posted by JP |

08 November, 2005

Holy Shit (Literally!!)

Non-cable (too many puns in this post already!) television in Madison, Wisconsin is sorely lacking and I am often given the choice of several infomercials to watch on a Sunday afternoon. By far the most strange is for this miracle colon cleanser, where three freaky looking people sit around and talk about the "size and girth" of their stools. With their product it is almost a guarantee that I will shit my brains out. In a pinch (another pun!) this makes for about twenty minutes of mildly amusing tv and I am often treated to Greg Brady pimping seventies music cd's thereafter.
I stumbled upon the unsettling image to the left while looking for images of the aformentioned infomercial personalities and their colon cleanser. It is for a competitor's product
and I, for one, was unaware there was so much competition in the market-weird.
To be sure, the dangling turd in the image is shocking. But once you get over that and take a look at the website it originates from, things get even weirder. The person whose poo you are looking at describes how he wrapped a kitchen utensil in newspaper to fish this thing out of the toilet. Which seems odd to me, since I WOULD NEVER..EVER..think about using said utensil again, and therefore wouldn't need to "protect" it with a layer of newspaper!
"Uh... gee, I'd better wrap some newspaper around this bulb baster so I can still use it to glaze the Christmas ham."
That's just fucked up. But worse is the nearly frame by frame "animation" of the turd on the website. Not satisfied with a single image, the turd has its very own spread of some ten photos so you can see it from every angle. I think the final one shows it broken into pieces and made to spell out a word. I cannot, however, make it out. If I had to guess I'd say, "jackass."
And speaking of photos-and I'm only guessing here-the one I've posted here looks as though the person holding the turd and the person holding the camera aren't the same. Which can only mean one thing,
"Hey honey! could you come in here and take a picture of this 22 inch turd I fished out the toilet with our bulb baster?"
Sad. But sadder still is the fact that a dude taking and photographing 22 inch shits not only has a wife, but has the coolest fucking wife on the planet. Meanwhile I'd be lucky to get a homeless woman to take a mental picture of me peeing.
One final observation. The guy responsible for laying this monster cable describes how shocked he was to see it. And who hasn't been shocked on occasion when the product in the bowl is disproportionately larger than the effort driving it out? But I've gotta figure that if I ever find myself on the passing end of not only a 22 inch shit, but an UNBROKEN 22 inch shit, I will know something is terribly terribly unusual. And when that day comes, you can be damn sure I will grab a salad fork, wrap it in some undershorts and take that bad boy down to Glamour Shots for the de-luxe photo package.

Posted by JP |


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