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08 November, 2005

Holy Shit (Literally!!)

Non-cable (too many puns in this post already!) television in Madison, Wisconsin is sorely lacking and I am often given the choice of several infomercials to watch on a Sunday afternoon. By far the most strange is for this miracle colon cleanser, where three freaky looking people sit around and talk about the "size and girth" of their stools. With their product it is almost a guarantee that I will shit my brains out. In a pinch (another pun!) this makes for about twenty minutes of mildly amusing tv and I am often treated to Greg Brady pimping seventies music cd's thereafter.
I stumbled upon the unsettling image to the left while looking for images of the aformentioned infomercial personalities and their colon cleanser. It is for a competitor's product
and I, for one, was unaware there was so much competition in the market-weird.
To be sure, the dangling turd in the image is shocking. But once you get over that and take a look at the website it originates from, things get even weirder. The person whose poo you are looking at describes how he wrapped a kitchen utensil in newspaper to fish this thing out of the toilet. Which seems odd to me, since I WOULD NEVER..EVER..think about using said utensil again, and therefore wouldn't need to "protect" it with a layer of newspaper!
"Uh... gee, I'd better wrap some newspaper around this bulb baster so I can still use it to glaze the Christmas ham."
That's just fucked up. But worse is the nearly frame by frame "animation" of the turd on the website. Not satisfied with a single image, the turd has its very own spread of some ten photos so you can see it from every angle. I think the final one shows it broken into pieces and made to spell out a word. I cannot, however, make it out. If I had to guess I'd say, "jackass."
And speaking of photos-and I'm only guessing here-the one I've posted here looks as though the person holding the turd and the person holding the camera aren't the same. Which can only mean one thing,
"Hey honey! could you come in here and take a picture of this 22 inch turd I fished out the toilet with our bulb baster?"
Sad. But sadder still is the fact that a dude taking and photographing 22 inch shits not only has a wife, but has the coolest fucking wife on the planet. Meanwhile I'd be lucky to get a homeless woman to take a mental picture of me peeing.
One final observation. The guy responsible for laying this monster cable describes how shocked he was to see it. And who hasn't been shocked on occasion when the product in the bowl is disproportionately larger than the effort driving it out? But I've gotta figure that if I ever find myself on the passing end of not only a 22 inch shit, but an UNBROKEN 22 inch shit, I will know something is terribly terribly unusual. And when that day comes, you can be damn sure I will grab a salad fork, wrap it in some undershorts and take that bad boy down to Glamour Shots for the de-luxe photo package.

Posted by JP |

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